Settling a dispute/Using the dispute to teach
As happened yesterday,
let’s say that three children were playing on the rug – the younger one, Lovey,
is playing alone with “finger play” toys, and the two boys are playing with
each other off to the side. Suddenly, Lovey screams. When you look up, one of the boys, her brother Jeremy,
has in his hands a
camper style truck, the sort that might weigh two pounds, if you put in on a
scale.
My first step when I
hear her scream is to ask “What’s happening here?” She sounds like she might have been
bumped or
physically hurt, but I don’t know. I want to hear what is going on. I am definitely not going to
ask (under most
circumstances) did he hurt you? Because it will be too easy for the crying child to silently nod,
even if nothing happened. When I ask “What’s
happening here?” the third boy, James, says “She wants the car.” He looks toward the truck in
Jeremy’s
hands.
I ask Jeremy, “Was she
playing with it?” He shakes his head,
“no.” “Were you playing with
it?” I ask Lovey. She doesn’t answer. “Where was it?” I ask. James points
to the shelf near to Lovey. Now, it’s my guess that Jeremy didn’t take it
from her but that she wanted to play with it and to grab the truck, Jeremy
reached across the area where she was playing, crowding her space. I say to Jeremy “Lovey
wants to play with it,
too.” (I don’t say Lovey had
it first, because she probably didn’t) “Can she play with it first and then
it’s your turn.” He said, “No.” First, negotiation
fails. I turn to
Lovey, “How about you have a turn when he’s done.” She goes along with this. Then I tell
Jeremy, “You can play with it until
the hands on nine. That’s seven
minutes.” I remind myself not to forget
about this.
I also didn’t want to use persuasion to try to
get Jeremy to give the truck to Lovey.
Chances are good that he’d “dig in”
and the situation would
escalate. In those moments with the
children, I am working to keep it small, contained, with an outcome, in terms
of the toy, that is fair.
I entered the
situation looking for the problem and as simply as possible I want to see the
problem solved. (The underlying problem
is the fact that Jeremy gets jealous of his little sister and finds ways to
annoy her. The little sister has
responded with “over reaction” that may get brother in trouble much of the
time. This would exacerbate his
jealousy. The over arching goal will be
some resolution of this exchange through long range strategy).
When the time was up, I
said, “It’s Lovey’s turn now.”
Jeremy wasn’t playing
with the truck any more.
But he picked
it up and dumped the toy near his sister from about a foot off the
ground. It was startling, but
didn’t hit her. I showed Jeremy my
disapproval, “I don’t like that. That wasn’t nice. Don’t do that again.”
Then I went back to what
I was doing… still sitting on the floor near the children. While I was correcting Jeremy, another
staff
member said, “Jeremy, you listen to her.” I cued her quietly “You don’t have to back
me up here.” We talked later about this. One staff should be able to handle disputes
without “back up” especially from out of the same area. When the other staff
tells the children to listen, it actually gives the appearance that the staff
talking to the child is weak, unable to succeed without help.
The second staff can
give support when needed by drawing away other children especially when they
are secondary to the conversation and just watching… or it they are acting
up. This would be like
saying, “Suzie, Jerry, let’s start BINGO. Come with me to set up the game.” This would
be to lead other children away from
the conversation and prevent the one who is being corrected from being the
center of attention. When some children
leave, a tense situation will de-escalate, as if you are actually draining
energy.
The way to use the
situation for learning is like this. First, it should be played out as above so that one model for
problem solving has been used with the children.
Then the when something
happens similar to the above, staff can begin as I did with “What’s happening
here?” Assuming then that we
are once more dealing with two children who want the same toy, the staff should
spell that out… “Looks like two of you want the same toy. What should we do? Does anybody
have an idea?”
Then listen the their
ideas and try it out. You can help shape the
ideas they come up with by asking, “Will this be fair?” and by asking the two who have the dispute
“Are
you willing to try this?” If not, continue on,
“Well, then, what would be fair?”
If you begin to build
this in, soon the children will be able to solve this kind of thing on their
own and you will feel tremendously proud of them.
~~ Sandy Kleven, LCSW